Quotes
Thanks to Studio 60 Canon on Livejournal for transcripts for these quotes!
1.01: Pilot
Tom: Has anybody seen Felicity Huffman?
Simon: I'm pretty sure she was on the first train out as soon as the good nights were done.
Tom: We should send her a box of candy or something.
Simon: Yeah, that'll do the trick.
Tom: Were you offended by the sketch?
Harriet: I was offended I wasn't in the sketch. I thought the writing was of a level we hadn't had in years. And frankly, I was surprised that Wes was capable of it.
Simon: Are we sure that Wes wrote it?
Tom: Well, it wasn't Ricky and Ron.
Simon: You sure?
Tom: Ricky and Ron suddenly being able to write like that is like me suddenly being able to play the cello.
1.02: The Cold Open
Tom: Bernadette of the Bernadette blog, says "Studio 60 seldom rose to the level of Saturday Night Live at its best. The hiring of Matthew Albie and Daniel Tripp is a sideshow. And that Wes' eloquent and courageous sign off last week should've served as the final nail in the show's coughin." And though she spelled coughin "o-u-g-h" I think I understand what she means.
Simon: Top reading the internet.
Tom: Bernadette of the Bernadette blog!
Simon: Bernadette is writing this in her pajamas. Tommy, why do you care? She's got a freezer full of Jenny Craig and she's surrounded by her five cats.
Tom: The New York Times is going to quote Bernadette so that the people can be heard. And the Times can demonstrate they're not the media elite. I prefer when they were elite. I'm a fan of credentials. It's like we've all spent the last five years living a Roger Corman film called Revenge of the Hack. I have to care about the internet, Sim, you know why? Because everyone else does. Help me out.
Simon: I played football in college, I play golf every Sunday.
Tom: The Yale School of Drama had a tough team to beat?
Simon: Intermural flag football. Anyway. He's telling people that he can do forty leg lifts with thirty pound weights. I say he's a liar and I challenge him to a contest of physical supremacy.
Tom: Why don't you guys settle it like the real Athenians, over 18 holes at Riviera.
Tom: [entering in a Jack White costume] Heh heh heh, check it out.
Matt: What are you?
Tom: Danny said that you were choking, and Harriet and I have a White Stripes impression if you want to write a sketch.
Danny: I didn't say you were choking and we don't have the White Stripes.
Tom: Really?
Danny: Yeah.
Tom: Then I'm just a guy in a wig.
1.03: The Focus Group
Tom: Welcome to Science Schmience. The game show that tests our players' willingness to stand by what they believe to be true in the face of irrefutable scientific evidence to the contrary. Today's contestants are Shlomo Levy, a member of the ultra-orthodox Meir Kahane followers. Mufti Mohammed from the Taliban controlled border region of Afghanistan. Cora Rae Barker, a junior from Liberty Bible College in Lynchberg, Virginia. Tom Cruise, and a witch.
Tom: Here we go. This is from Saturday's times. Four people in Ealing Missouri objected strongly to the local high school's recent production of Grease.
Simon: Why?
Tom: Because Rizzo sneaks out the window at Frenchie's slumber party to go off with Kenicky.
Harriet: Leave it alone.
Tom: No, cause here's where it gets good. As a result of the controversy, the school's superintendent has cancelled their planned school production of Crucible.
Simon: Why?
Tom: It casts Christians in a bad light.
Harriet: Yeah, Salem wasn't our finest hour.
Tom: They're replacing it with A Midsummer night's Dream.
Simon: Have they read A Midsummer Night's Dream. Everybody swaps partners with everybody including a man who metamorphosed into a donkey.
Tom: Here it is. You do the intro. Ealing High School in Ealing Missouri after blah blah blah has cancelled their planned spring production of Arthur Miller's The Crucible saying it casts Christians in a bad light and replaced it with Shakespeare's immortal romantic comedy A Midsummer Night's Dream. Other plays that were considered and discarded include Damn Yankees for its comedic portrayal of the Devil. Bye Bye Birdy for its Elvis like rock star gyrations…
1.04: The West Coast Delay
Tom: This is exactly what happened with Paula and me when we broke up.
Matt: What is?
Tom: She just gave you a brushback pitch, okay? She just gave you a little chin music.
Matt: She said she didn't do it on purpose.
Tom: You believe her?
Matt: No.
Tom: Purpose pitch, Matt. She threw at your head.
Matt: Are you using a baseball metaphor 'cause it's Darren Wells?
Tom: No, but it's a nice coincidence.
Tom: He's a professional athlete, Matt, physically superior to you in every way.
Matt: I feel a little crazy.
Tom: That's right, and that's why you're having trouble writing the last twelve minutes.
Matt: Strictly speaking, I've never needed a special reason to have trouble writing, but what's your point?
Tom: This is pure Strindberg.
Matt: August Strindberg?
Tom: This is right out of "The Father", scariest play I've ever read.
Matt: How did we move from baseball to August Strindberg?
Tom: We just did. The wife drives the husband crazy. Matt, he literally goes mad because he's unable to regain the upper hand!
Matt: He goes mad because his wife plants it in his head that their child might not be his.
Tom: Exactly!
Matt: What the hell are you talking about?!
Matt: Why don't you just call her?
Tom: He goes mad at the end of the play, it's a very disturbing sight. I'd like to be your wingman.
Matt: Well, I appreciate that, but I'm not flying any more.
Tom: You need a wingman and you've always been mine.
Matt: I have?
Tom: You could start.
Matt: Yeah, why don't you go get some sleep?
Tom: Do you need a copy of my collected works of Strindberg?
Matt: I've got my own. Seriously, why don't you go get some sleep?
Tom: Yeah, I'm going to go crash in my dressing room.
Matt: You could just go home, you know.
Matt: You know what you had me doing last night?
Tom: Hang on, 'cause… did a basketball just come flying past my head?
Matt: I've never felt so stupid in my life.
Tom: Did you get the boot?
Matt: I gave back the boot, along with most of my dignity.
Tom: I gave up on dignity once Paula broke up with me.
Matt: God, I wish you'd put it in that context when you advised me to get a boot signed.
Tom: I just think it's great when we talk like this -
Matt: Yeah, well, we're done now.
Tom: Yeah.
Matt: I'm going to her dressing room, and I'm stamping her down.
Tom: Why?
Matt: Because one of the Bombshell Babies gave me some really good advice.
Tom: I dare you to say that sentence again.
Matt: Hey, if the Bombshell Babies know anything, it's -
Tom: Dancing!
Danny: All right, everyone, we're going to go from this to Ricardo so we'll have time to make the change from swapped-on.
Tom: Somebody will tell us when the show is over, right?
Danny: Yeah.
1.05: The Long Lead Story
Tom: Excuse me, wardrobe wanted you to approve this.
Matt: Yeah, it's good. Hang on. That's supposed to be a lobster costume right?
Tom: Yeah.
Tom: Hi, folks? Hi, it's my turn to thank you very much for being a terrific rehearsal audience. You deserve it. Uh we need to ask you to stay for another two minutes and 20 seconds cause believe it or not, we rehearse saying goodnight, and we also rehearse the two minute and twenty second commercial break. In the meantime, I can tell you what's happening right now. Danny Tripp has just gone up stairs to Matt Albie's office where the two of them will very quickly decide what makes it into the show tonight. We call this the Friday night slaughter cause uh, this is where you find out if you have a chance to be the next Bill Murray or the next Dominos Pizza delivery guy.
Suzanne: I did something really stupid.
Tom: What?
Suzanne: I feel like an idiot.
Tom: Well I spent most of the week in a lobster costume so you're talking to the right guy.
Suzanne: I thought it was a charming story. I thought it made Matt look really sweet, but then as soon as it was done, I realized I completely betrayed this guy who I worship.
Tom: You know it wouldn't kill you to worship me.
Tom: Hang on, Excuse us for just one second. (They leave the room) I just want to bring you up to speed on something. Suzanne told Martha about Matt and Harriet and Darren Wells and the Bombshell babies.
Simon: Why the hell would she do that?
Tom: Because she's young and inexperienced and she didn't know any better. So here's what I did.
Simon: What?
Tom: I confirmed it.
Simon: Just cause you're stupid.
Tom: Martha thought it was gentlemanly.
Simon: Let me tell you something. I am the only one in this whole organization that knows how to handle the press. They know eactly what I want them to know, nothing more. I operate like an international spy. (walks back in) Okay so, I got a few minutes. What do you want to know about when I was in a gang?
Martha: I want to know about the Star Spangled Banner, the 700 club, and Jeannie.
Tom: ...You're still miked Mata Hari!
1.06: The Wrap Party
Tom: My parents are here tonight.
Simon: No kidding! I wanna meet 'em.
Tom: Really.
Simon: 27's too old to have Mommy and Daddy issues, my brother.
Tom: They don't know what I do for a living, my brother.
Tom: I'm going to show them around the studio, and when we say good night I swear to God my father is going to ask me if I need any money, and it's going to take everything I've got not to point out to him that I could buy his house four times and turn it into my ping-pong room.
Simon: I would resist that urge.
Mrs. Jeter: Simon, I have to tell you, Tom's father won't admit it, but after we saw the James Bond movie, I think he got a little crush on Halle Berry.
Tom: Oh, dear God.
Mrs. Jeter: It's true!
Tom: Well, he'll be sure to tell her at the next meeting, Mom!
Tom: It began as a burlesque theatre called the Addison, and later I'll show you where Gypsy Rose Lee signed her name on the wall backstage.
Mrs. Jeter: What, the stripper?
Tom: THE stripper.
Mrs. Jeter: Tommy, tell me you don't go to those places.
Tom: I don't.
Mrs. Jeter: Because coming in here I saw this neighborhood -
Tom: I don't, Mom. I like looking at naked women as much as anybody, I just don't like it to be a crowd experience.
1.07: Nevada Day - Part 1
Judge: This has got to be a hell of a story not to start why you're dressed like a shepherd.
Tom: I'm actually not dressed like a shepherd, I'm dressed as Jesus Christ. I was taken by police in the middle of rehearsing a sketch.
Judge: A sketch mocking church goers.
Tom: ...Yes.
Tom: It's unusually cold in the studio today. Did I wear this same costume last season as a shepherd? Anybody?
Lucy: Yes.
Tom: You weren't here last year.
Lucy: I watched TV last year.
Tom: And it's the same thing I wore as the singing shepherd, right?
Lucy: Yeah, but-
Tom: I'll tell you why I'm asking.
Lucy: Why?
Tom: It's cause I'm freezing.
Simon: Be a man.
Tom: I'm trying, but I'm wearing a frock. I'm pretty cold.
Tom: Yes, sir. Hey, nice! Is that your dog?
Deputy: That's Daisy.
Tom: I got a basset hound, too. Tricolored. I'm a basset hound guy. I subscribe to the newsletter, the Basset Hound Bugler. Hey girl!! She probably smells Roscoe.
Deputy: Well, I'm sorry Mr. Jeter, but you're carrying this in the wrong state.
Tom: I know.
Deputy: Wait here while I start the work on this.
Tom: Yes, sir. ...et tu, Daisy? "I'm a basset hound guy."
Simon:(whispers) Where's my jacket?
Tom: (whispers) They've got it.
Simon: It's got a half a joint in one of the pockets.
Tom: Let's light it up.
1.08: Nevada Day: Part 2
Bebe: You were driving to Nellis, right?
Tom: Yes, sir.
Bebe: Mark Jeter, he's your brother?
Tom: Yes, sir.
Bebe: Older or younger?
Tom: He's my little brother.
Bebe: This isn't his first tour, is it?
Tom: It's his third.
Bebe: You see, Staff Sgt. Jeter's just playing Russian roulette at this point, 'cause you should see what happens to the casualty numbers with multiple tours. He didn't want his little brother's last act on this earth to be getting him out of a speeding ticket. I'm right, right?
Tom: Yes, sir.
1.09: The Option Period
Harriet: Were the two of you raised on a farm?
Tom: I was.
Harriet: That's backstage, that's doing a show! I don't wear my bikini to the grocery store!
Tom: Bet you'd get a good deal on the food.
Harriet: Okay, before we go any further, please tell me that if my life is ever in jeopardy there will be people you'll call before them!
Tom: What's up?
Jeannie: Thanks, guys.
Tom: Hey, I've been under arrest most of the day because of you.
Tom: Every time we poke fun at the religious right, we can blunt the reaction by pointing to you.
Harriet: God, Tommy.
Tom: That sounded a little more crass than I would have liked it to.
Tom: Just to be clear.
Harriet: You're clear.
Tom: None of this should take away from the fact that we are in favor of women in their underwear.
Simon: True story.
Harriet: I know.
Tom: We are pro-female nudity, that can't be said enough times.
1.11: The Christmas Show
Matt: Any Christmas ideas you might have.
Tom: There's no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem.
Simon: Jesus was born in North Africa. How come in paintings it always looks like he's one of the Bee-Gees?
Matt: A drum! A boy on a drum! A little drummer, there's a whole song. It doesn't matter; go downstairs and help these guys pitch me.
Tom: This could be a good chance to let Lucy get to know me.
Simon: He likes Lucy now.
Tom: With the eyes and the face and everything.
Simon: She's got a great face.
Tom: Hey, step back.
Simon: What, I like her face!
Tom: Aren't you about a hundred years old?
Simon: Aren't you only marginally talented?
Tom: I will beat you up.
Simon: Hah hah, good one, Tommy. You're as cute as a button.
Tom: [laughs outrageously] Lucy, that's fantastic! I love that idea, I want to do it. I want to go with you guys to Matt and Danny.
Lucy: It was Darius' pitch.
Tom: Then let me tell you why it's iffy. The Horse Whisperer was, like, 10 years ago.
Simon: "And he whistled and shouted and called them by name. 'On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen. On Comet, on Cupid, on Dunder and Blixen.'" That was 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, a white guy writing a song for Montgomery Ward screwed up the names.
Tom: And 'Twas the Night Before Christmas was written by Jesse Jackson?
Tom: Simon, tell Lucy about the time you were arrested on about 43 larceny counts in high school?
Simon: Okay, cool, why don't you tell her about the time when everybody thought you were gay in high school?
Tom: You see, Lucy, I'm a bit of an astronomy buff.
Simon: Loser. The word is loser.
1.12: Monday
Matt: You know you're still here right?
Tom: Yeah I just wanted to get your blessing on something. I was going to ask out Lucy.
Matt: What do you need my blessing for?
Tom: Wes wasn't wild about intramural dating the last couple of years.
Matt: Why?
Tom: There were some incidents.
Matt: Okay.
Tom: Not with me.